Tom

When I was eleven I had a crush on a boy in my class.  We became friends and 'dated' for probably something like a week and 'broke up' to be friends.  He's still one of my best guy friends and days like today I really just want to call him and tell him everything that's happening.  But he's in training in Texas for the air force, and can only use an hour per week for phone calls, which usually goes to his parents and siblings.  I miss him.  We grew up together.  We crushed on each other, hated each other, fought, laughed, and stayed super close for almost ten years.  He's probably the silliest person I've ever known, with the best sense of humor.  He thinks everything is funny, and has the most genuine laugh each time.  I've been thinking of him today, so I figured I'd give him his own post.

homecoming fall 2006

cotillion spring 2008

so old.  we were thirteen.

senior trip 2010.

before the opening night of toy story 3, 2010.

Bri's graduation party 2010.

my going away party, august 2010

graduation 2010.

Tom's first time at prom, spring 2008.

<3

I got married last night.  It was a dream of course, but it was so long and vivid that i woke up feeling like I was living a different life.  I had just been married.  But that wasn't the weirdest part-  I was planning my wedding with my parents, but I didn't know the guy that I was marrying.  It was one of Steph's friends, the son of a friend of my mom's.  I remember being like eh whatever, how can it not work out?  And I was really excited about having a husband and all that jazz, until it sunk in that I was going to have to live alone with this guy I didn't know and what if he hated me or I hated him and blah blah blah.  And then I met him and I really liked him so I was happy again.  The theme of my dream seemed to be that marriage really isn't that big of a deal, which I'm sure sounds funny to you because it is a big deal.  But sometimes I get in moods where I think it's really not, that I could marry just about any nice guy and be happy.  But I guess it's how happy I am that makes the difference.  Or something like that.
Anywho I can't get married anytime soon because I have Spain and LA and then I'll probably be moving to LA or NYC to start my career and such.  So it's not exactly something I have to worry about at this point.
But back to reality.  It's leap year (hooray!) and it's snowing quite a bit outside.  Which is unusual because it hasn't really snowed a significant amount yet this year.  And now that it's 36 degrees out, somehow it decided to snow.  I'm babysitting and the kids start chanting 'snow day' every time they pass a window.  I also have a ridiculous amount of work to complete, so naturally I'm watching 'sixteen candles' and trying to stay awake.  I foresee coffee in my near future.  Coffee or death.
Yeah, I think that's enough for today.
Happy Lead Year (Day?)!!

Today has been such a deep-thinking day.  I had a really vivid dream and it sent me into thinking about love and marriage and life and death.  And I've also been listening to Switchfoot's Vice Verses album all day which is not very light or fluffy.
But back to my dream.
When I was fifteen I was crazy about this guy and we had an unofficial relationship for a few months.  And then he broke me up and got married to a nice girl a few months later.  I was super upset over this for a bunch of reasons, but the top of that list would probably be the fact that I was convinced we were going to get married.  Not in a girly unrealistic lovesick way(although there was that too), but in a practical, this is totally going to work and God so wants this for me kind of way.  I could go on and on about this part of my life, but I'll spare you.  Anywho, I haven't thought about this guy much over the past few years, until he was in my dream last night.
I dreamed that we were married and I was over-the-moon happy and he was wicked depressed.  It was really sad because I kept trying to get him to hang out with me and pay attention to me but he wanted nothing to do with me.  And I kept thinking oh crap, I totally just chained myself for life to this guy that hates me.  Wrong choice.
So I wake up and start thinking about this guy and what my life would be like now if he had decided to marry me instead of the other girl.  And then I start thinking about how one decision can change the course of your entire life and then I start to think about the meaning of life and what it means to die and all this stuff.
And now I'm here without any answers, listening to Glee and feeling super tired.
Life is so confusing.
I feel like I was a kid just yesterday, but it's been almost three years since I've been out of high school.  And now I have projects and essays and choices all over the place.  I have to actually pay attention to my classes and work super hard because it's no longer for a grade, it's in preparation for my future career.  The rest of my life.
Soon I'm going to be applying to real jobs, moving somewhere far away from New Jersey, which will both break my heart and liberate me.
And then I'm going to find a career and get married and then my life will be over.
Marriage is a great thing I'm sure, but I feel like my whole life is leading up to getting a career and getting married and maybe having a kid or two...and then what?
Driving my kids to and from soccer practice and arguing with my husband about money-is that what I want in life?
This is the point in my life where I have to figure out what it is that I want so I can make the right decisions to get there.
Oh, adulthood.  It hits you like a ton of bricks.

So I did not, in fact, go home this weekend because my car decided on Thursday evening that it would kill itself.  Yes, this is my life.  It's not actually that bad, but I guess there's a hole in my exhaust and I need a new muffler and apparently those are important to a car so no road trip for me!  I can't say that I wasn't slightly thrilled to not have to drive six hundred miles this weekend, but it was definitely a bummer knowing that I would miss Rachel's wedding.

Instead on Friday Eli came over and sat in my room with Tibbs, Lizzy (who was half asleep under the covers in my bed), Kesha, and Laura and started up some heavy life questions like he always does.  And then we went to Marty's which was delicious as always, but extremely packed.  I think it was around twelve thirty or one in the morning when we got there and you could barely move inside.  On the way there, we also smoked clove cigars which turned out to be a good mix with Marty's donuts.  As Liz said, 'smoke a clove, eat a donut'.

Then saturday I woke up 'early' (compared to Laura who woke up after noon) and went to the gym with Tibbs, then to Newburyport with Eli and Laura!  We had some delicious indian food, walked around town and took a ton of photos in various stores (one of which was not so happy with Laura for doing so) got some ice cream, and left.  

 Then we ran back and did hair for a few hours before Gordon Globes.  Being that we hadn't eaten since lunch, we were all pretty much fantasizing about pizza from the second half on.  So we came back to the room after the show around eleven thirty pm and ordered Dominos.  However, apparently Gordon singlehandedly managed to crash the Dominos computer so it took forever to get out pizza because so many people were ordering.  Nevertheless, we got it and we feasted.

So yes, quite a fun weekend.  I woke up at 12:30 (I always want to say noon-thirty) this afternoon and have since done nothing but eat some cold pizza and listen to the tarzan soundtrack.  I did post a hundred photos of yesterdays activities onto facebook though, so I guess that productive.  Unfortunately I have a ton of homework to do today and no motivation to do any of it.  Ugh.  Well I'd better get my life together.  Happy weekend!

Conversation with the girl that I'm babysitting:

Emily: "Why are you going home this weekend?"
Me: "My friend's getting married."
Emily: "Oh, that's depressing for you right?  Cause you're not getting married.  Like...do you even have a boyfriend?"

Oh, this week keeps getting better and better....

Crazy day, as usual.  Three classes, an extremely awkward chapel, and now babysitting/doing homework.  Right after I finish here I have to babysit the baby for a few hours and then hopefully make it to zumba and then evening chapel and then finish up any missed homework before going to bed.  And then tomorrow morning I have to babysit the baby for a few hours before class, and then I have an interview for a summer nanny position a half hour away.  And then I think I'm good.  I feel like I'm forgetting something.
Anywho, I'm sitting here 'babysitting' and I'm so so so tired.  I'm hanging out with the plumber who is fixing something in the sink, and watching the boys play football in the front yard.  I feel like this is a preview of my life fifteen years from now.  Weird.
Ahhhh growing up.  Never fails to terrify me.
That's enough reflecting for now.
Happy Wednesday!

What a contrast from yesterday.  Today freakin sucks.  And I don't know if it's that it's valentines day and it does in fact suck to see happy people or if it's the fact that ....actually I don't know what else it could be.  It's official.  I'm a bitter single valentines-day hater.
Oh my goodness am I frustrated.  It took two hours to shower, blow my hair dry, and then curl it and even after all that it only looked so-so, and then I was running late to lunch with Rachel and only got to sit with her for a few minutes before running off to the library.  Why did I have to run the library, you might ask?  Because my stupid printer decided not to work the one time that I needed it.  So I run to the library to print out my essay but then my email wasn't working so I couldn't access it on the library computers and it was a mess.  By some miracle my essay showed up on the screen five minutes before class started, so at least I had that.  And then I had to peer-review my essay with this girl who basically told me that I did everything wrong when I in fact did not.  By this point I'm ready to start screaming, so after class I run back to my room to get my car keys and now I'm at Starbucks.  I have to edit this essay and turn it in online sometime in the next five hours, but for now I'm really good with venting.
Since we're venting, I might as well throw out this pointless tidbit to the world: I like a boy.  Liked?  Like?  Who knows at this point, I'm so annoyed.  I have a crush on this stupid guy in my class that I barely know and he doesn't even notice me.  Normally that's fine and I'll move on with my life, but today I was in no mood to be ignored.
Seriously, how can you not notice me?  I'm smiling and sitting right next to you, why wouldn't you strike up a conversation!?  I tried talking to him, but it was all one word answers and I was afraid I would say something impulsive out of frustration if I continued.  It was really sad.  I was excited about this guy, but now there's no butterflies or any of that nonsense, just annoyance at how freaking stupid he is.
So annoyed.  Meanwhile I went to the mailroom to check my box and the mailroom is filled with flowers and heart shaped objectes and colorful boxes and I just kind of wanted to cry.  So much love, and I'm here at Starbucks hiding from it with my spanish essay and an iced mocha.
I'm no longer acknowledging this day as Valentines Day.  It's just a crappy Tuesday that will soon be over.
Now, on to my homework.

I'm in a fairytale mood.  A dopey, girly, lovely, unrealistically fantastic mood.
I'm also strangely excited for tomorrow, which as you may or may not realize, is Valentines day.  I don't have a date or any super exciting plans, but I have this feeling that something exciting is going to happen tomorrow.  Maybe one of my friends will get engaged or something.  Or maybe I feel like something fun is going to happen because I just want something fun to happen.  In reality, I have an essay to be edited and handed in by 9pm tomorrow so that's probably all my day is looking like.
But, I shall dare to dream.
Also, if I could pick a song to fit my current mood, this would be it!

I've been going through a Boyce Avenue phase these past few weeks so of course my current favorite version of this song is from Boyce Avenue.  Originally performed by Tonic, just in case you're wondering.
Oh, this mood. I'd better go get started on my spanish essay, as I'm sure that'll put out this silly mood.
Also, I was looking on my facebook today at the list of songs I've listened to on spotify and it was cracking me up, what people must think of me.  Oh well, whatever they're thinking is probably accurate.
Happy Monday!

I've spent a lot of time fitting into a persona.  I picked a role a long time ago and stuck with it.  I did a lot of things to fit into that role that I know were wrong, but didn't feel wrong enough to not do it.  I was a Christian because I was afraid of dying, and figured that if I said I was a Christian and prayed sometimes, I wouldn't burn forever in hell and I could call for help when I wanted it.  When I made the decision to be an active Christian and seek after God, I think I still had the idea that this was a role, a new role, but still a role.  I wasn't living for the Lord because I loved Him or because I had an in-depth relationship, but because I wanted to be accepted into the Christian community at my youth group and eventually here at Gordon.  I wasn't planning on giving up my old habits, the things that tied me to my friends at home and 'non-christian' friends, but I figured I could be a cool Christian.  I realize how stupid this sounds but this was my thought process.  I could hook up with whoever and smoke and drink every once and a while and it wouldn't affect my faith, because I genuinely loved the Lord.
I ask God for things a lot.  I don't pray often, I haven't read the bible since I took an old testament class last semester, and I don't discuss theology because it freaks me out.  I've recently realized that getting deep into a relationship with God really means that I have to get rid of the person I've molded myself to be, and become a new creation worthy of the Lord, and that scares the crap out of me.
I'm not a fan of change.  I'm not a fan of commitment or serious/important decisions.  I like to do what I want and deal with the consequences later.
But here's the thing.  This was 'deep faith' week at Gordon, and believe me I know how cheesy that sounds.  I wasn't looking forward to this week because it sounded like some silly theme with wicked old theologians saying things that I didn't understand.  And without realizing it, all these things started happening.  My roommate and I were talking one night about boys and dating and I was wondering why  guys here weren't attracted to me and why I didn't have a boyfriend and all that jazz, and Tibbs answered it flat out with something that I had never thought of.  She told me that she wouldn't want to date a guy that had a similar faith that I had.  And I wasn't expecting it to hit me that hard, but shoot did it make me think.  I wasn't offended, it was just like my eyes opened.  My faith was low, incredibly and almost non-existent-ly low.  And then, the main event for 'deep faith' week was this professor from Oxford that came to talk to us.
Side note- I hate chapel.  I zone out and I fall asleep and I don't understand half the things they talk about, and most of the time I'd rather daydream than listen to the stuff they have to say.  But this guy was saying things that were so powerful, literally powerful, that I couldn't ignore it.  I don't remember the wording of the last thing he said, but I basically realized while sitting there that I didn't have a relationship with God.  I wasn't a Christian at that very moment, and I think I knew that for a while.  I wasn't speaking to Him, reading the bible, believing that He could do anything in my life.  I wasn't trusting God or putting any faith in God, because I didn't want to.  I didn't want to stand out from my friends as being the 'Christian one', I didn't want to give up a care-free lifestyle, and I didn't want to surrender control of my life to God.
And I don't know where this is coming from, this random post because I have a very very hard time talking about Christianity with people because I don't want to sound preach-y or fake or like I'm putting on a show to advertise Christianity.  But this is real, this is how I feel and this is what I've realized.  I am ready to give up everything.  I'm ready to risk my friendships, my plans, everything to have a real, deep, intense and all-encompassing relationship with the Lord.  I know that God is real and I know that He loves me and I know that I will suffer more and more if I don't let myself go and dive into this.  I'm ready, and I'm accepting that I will be judged and look silly to most of my friends at home, but I don't think I've ever been so sure about anything in my life.  I've never really tried to change my life before, not wholeheartedly, so pray for me as I begin.

The Hair Chronicles.

So after my last post I've been trying to figure out how many times I've dyed my hair and which colors I've done, so here we go.  I've been digging through photos over the last five/six years and I think I've got all of the different colors.  Here we go.
Natural Hair- age 14.  The last time I had this color.  Also, keep in mind that I was young and silly while taking these photos, so most of them are stupid poses and such.  Right after this photo I chopped all the hair off, and it hasn't been this long since.

Then, also age 14, I dyed my hair from a box for the first time ever and loved it for the whole week and a half that it stayed in.

Soon after, it faded back to my normal-ish hair color,

 Then on impulse, at fifteen I made the idiot decision to dye my hair black.  At this point Heather, as seen below, had platinum blonde hair.  I thought of us as the sun and the moon.

 Then we went through the disaster of fixing the black hair.  It was black for somewhere around two months, until my very light colored roots became super noticeable so Lucia decided she was capable enough to fix it.  We figured I might as well go from black to blonde, not realizing how stupid of an idea that was.  So my roots took to the dye and the rest of my head didn't react as well.

 Immediately after I brushed this nightmare out, Lucia ran to the store and got a medium brown to dye over the blonde nonsense, which then turned my hair red.

 Very, very, red.  I actually really liked this one.  Once it settled from the freakishly bright red, I really liked it.

 And then of course my hair started changing colors in the summer sun, turning it almost neon orange.

 And then it got roots and all that jazz, so my friend Jenny came over and dyed it.  I'm pretty sure I was still fifteen at this point.

 The result was a grape-juice type purple.  I really liked this one too, but much like all the others, it faded.

 And turned brown!

 And then somehow that is still unclear to me, it faded more and in the sun yet again turned that bright orange.

 So I dyed it back to brown.  Age 16.

Faded out to half natural, half brown.

Then I experimented with sun-in, leaving my roots super blonde and the rest red.

 Despite the freakiness, I think I liked this color best. Age 17.

 And then we dyed it back to a normal color.

And then I went through a really boring period of time where I wasn't allowed to dye my hair because graduation was coming up and blah blah blah.  But, the day after graduation, Steph and I experimented with fun colors.

 And then I went to college and decided to bond with my suitemates and let them dye my hair.

 Which of course faded to brown.  And then spring break came along and I had Liz dye my hair again, staining both her pillow that night and my straightener red.

 Fast forward six months, I'm at Kesha's in NH and we decide to put streaks in her hair.  I get purple, which ends up doing funky things in my hair.

Then a few days before I leave for school over the summer, I dye my hair dark brown.

 Which faded to what I have now!

So according to my count, I have dyed my hair sixteen times, if you count the three times I got streaks/highlights that I didn't mention or photograph.  Hope you enjoyed this very long/pointless blog post!

I always open up this little post box thinking I'm going to write something really interesting and witty instead of a run-down of my day.  But every time I start, it ends up turning into a run-down of my day anyways so I just close the box and move on with my day.  This, friends, is why there have been so many days since my last post.  I'm sick of talking about my day and how I feel about it.
So let's talk about something outside of myself.
It's February, so of course Valentines Day comes to mind.
I love Valentines Day.  I love the pinks and reds, the candy, the flowers, the valentines, the tv specials, and all of the boys doing super cute things for their girls.  Of course I am still me, so I can only take so many overly sappy couples before I get a little annoyed(jealous).  But in general, I like the day.  I like thinking about possibilities and romantic gestures that (in a far away, fairytale world) I could receive.  I've had a lot of really really good valentines days.  Last year wasn't that exciting, I just watched 500 days of summer with my friend, but all the years before that were pretty cool.  The year before I was in Boston with my dad and we went out to this really funny little diner and just spent the day together.  I remember we went to Faneuil Hall and there were so many Valentines decorations everywhere.
The year before that I was also in Boston and I went to the aquarium with my mom, Eli, and this boy that I liked.  It was freeeeeezing and we waited outside for tickets for such a long time and when we got in the aquarium staff gave us hot chocolate and graham crackers and then took our picture.

So that was V-day 2009.  I was a junior in high school, and that was the first time I ever cut my own bangs.  My memories are categorized by my hair color and style of the moment.  It's how I remember things.

So, V-day 2008 I was in Disney World with my mom and dad.  I remember we went to this really nice seafood restaurant next to Nemo's under the sea ride.  I also remember wishing my sister was there.

Check that out.  Black hair.  Anywho, I've had some really nice valentines days in recent years.  I can't remember past sophomore year, but I'm sure they were pretty uneventful.

Also, I'm really grateful for the fact that I've had a Facebook since I was 14 so I can pull up all my photos over the last six years.  

So yes, Valentines Day this year is most likely going to come and go like every other day, but Liz&I have decided this weekend to eat some candy and watch some Nicholas Sparks movies in celebration of this girly day.

Seriously, I wonder what guys think about good ol Valentines Day.  I wonder if they dread it, don't really care, or really enjoy it.  Especially if you have a girlfriend, I'm sure it can get really stressful for these guys.  Not that I'm giving any sympathy, because guys will always have it easier than women(as we girls well know), but it's just interesting to look into a different perspective.

Anywho, enjoy your Valentines Day in whatever way you wish :)

I haven't blogged in so long!
The thing is, I start a lot of blog posts and then I get a call or have to go to class or something comes up so I can't finish them.  But tis a babysitting day, so I'm all yours.
I'm really getting to enjoy babysitting days.  Now that the kids know me more it's fun because we can all be silly and enjoy each other, but they still respect me enough to listen when I ask them to do something or stop doing something.
Today was an unusual babysitting day.  I went right from class to a woman's house where Emily (the eldest of the three) was having a piano lesson, picked her up and drove to her house where the other two were just getting back from school and starting on their homework.  Then the plumber came and I talked to him for a bit before he went to the basement to do his work.  And then the mom came home really quick to take the middle child to a make-up gymnastics session and asked me to prep dinner.
Now, I warned her.  I told her that I have a very little amount (embarrassingly little amount) of cooking skills and while I was willing to do whatever she needed to be done, it may turn out very odd and unlike she had wanted.  So, she gave me the simple task of cutting up a zucchini and two peppers for stir-fry while she went to run her errands.
So I'm thinking this is easy-peasy, cutting up some vegetables.  But when I pick up the knife to cut the pepper, I realize i have no idea where to start.  And what are stir-fry sized pepper pieces supposed to look like anyways?  Yes, this is embarrassing and I realize that any normal woman would have a basic knowledge of how to chop various vegetables.
But as we know, I'm anything but normal.
So I call my mom, cracking up, telling her I have no idea how to cut up this pepper and she walks me through it.  A chopping-peppers-for-dummies kind of tutorial over the phone.  I'd tell you how she described it to me, but that would just create more embarrassment for me than I'm ready to allow.
Anywho, now the veggies are chopped, the chicken marinating, and the kids content and occupied with their various toys/technologies.
So that's my day.  I also went to get gas earlier today and made an awkward fool out of myself.  This is the first time I've gotten gas in Mass since being back (yes, my gas mileage is that good) and so I was a little confused.  In Jersey, as I'm sure you know, we get our gas pumped for us, which always flusters me.  I tend to say I want super instead of regular or say thirty instead of fifteen or just stutter and forget what I'm saying because I'm trying to turn off the car, open the gas cap, and find my money all at the same time without keeping the guy waiting.  I hate it.  So i was looking forward to a nice relaxing gas trip where I wouldn't make anyone wait and could go at my own slow speed.  I realize that this all sounds mildly ridiculous, but it's just the way I think.  So I pull up to this gas station that I've never been to before on my way to work, and right as I pull up to the pump this guy comes out of nowhere and asks me what kind of gas I'd like.  So I just stare at him awkwardly for about twenty seconds before waking up and realizing that this guy is going to pump my gas.  So I get all flustered and stutter and get my gas and book it out.  I'm a freak.
Also, I've got a super fun weekend ahead of me.  Tomorrow my friends and I are going to the rainforest cafe for dinner and then saturday I'm going to Boston for the day with Laura and Steven!  So exciting, I'm just loving this semester so far.  Such a drastic difference.
Anywho, I should get on this homework business.
Adios!