So This is the New Year.

I went to Ireland this year.  So weird, it feels like years ago.
I started my year in Ireland, and am ending it in New York City.
I had one very bad semester, and one very good.
I had four internships this year and learned a lot with each, although only two of them I really liked.
I did not crash a car this year (that's cause enough to celebrate).
I made an abundance of new friends, and lost one.
I have grown up a lot, despite my wishes to not.
This year has been so full.  Full of love and joy but also pain and despair.
I keep thinking of this movie I saw one, called Elena, llena de gracia.
Llena de gracia.  The word 'llena' means full, but it seems more encompassing of the meaning than the English word.
Llena de gracia, full of grace.
My year has been llena de gracia.
I am thankful for the depth of emotion and learning that I have swam through this year.
My New Years resolution is to start letting things go.  Not completely, but enough to move forward and be happy.
I want to go back next semester and appreciate Gordon and my last semester there, rather than grieving my semester in LA.  I want to keep my eyes open and notice how full life is and the wonder in that.
I am excited for a New Year, and I feel like I can peacefully release 2013.
Happy New Year, friends!

Everything around me seems to be reminding me that I'm getting older.

Growing up.

Heather came home for Christmas for one day before she had to go back to the city for work.  It's so weird that she's an adult now.

And as I sit in her apartment in Harlem while she's at church I can't help but think about where I will be next.

Will I have my own cheap apartment in NYC?  Chicago?  LA?

I keep trying to imagine what life will be like come May, but I can't see anything.  

My brain can't comprehend the concept enough to develop a plan.

Where will I go?  What will I do?  What purpose should I be working to fulfill?

It both comforts me and worries me that Heather is still working on answering these questions, at 24 with a great job.

We shall see.

There is so much peace that comes with Christmas Eve night.  I'm surrounded by family and Christmas hymns and movies expressing joy and love.  So much happy.  I know that the morning brings exciting traditions like presents and hot chocolate, but I'm most excited about the hefty dose of family that I will be taking in.
I have the greatest family in the world.
Today we had our yearly Christmas Eve party, and then my whole family went to the Christmas Eve service at church--even Stephanie and her boyfriend came with us.  Then afterwards we got in our pjs and watched a Christmas movie and joked and laughed until deciding we couldn't stay up any longer.  So now, at 2:02 am, I am turning on 'Polar Express' and going to sleep.
I find myself consistently happy on each Christmas Eve night, and this year is no exception.
I still feel the magic of this night that I felt as a kid waiting for Santa.
I really love Christmas.
Have a wonderful Christmas, friends.

A girl that I graduated with died suddenly a few days ago.
I don't know what the cause of death was, but it was the second death from my graduating class in two weeks.
I've known this girl my whole life, but hadn't talked to her since we were friends in elementary school.  I can't stop thinking of her little sister...and what I would do if my sister was suddenly gone forever.
I spent all of this time thinking about why some people are chosen to survive and some are chosen to die...and it never makes sense.  I can't find a rhythm or formula to it.  It just happens.  It's maddening.
To slip away from this world so easily...I'll never understand.

Rest, Dani Cummings.  I hope you are at peace.

People keep asking me what it's like being home.
I don't know what to tell them.
It's not bad, really, but not good either.  It kind of just is what it is.
I was expecting it to be both bad and good, but it's really not either.
It has, however, only been four days.
I miss my friends, and I miss being productive and having endless things to do.
The perks of living in a big city.
And now I have mountains of crap all around my room from LA and Gordon and Jersey...
I think I'm sick of moving.  Packing and unpacking only to do it again in four months or less.
I miss the consistency of living in my parents' house.  One address, one zip code, one bedroom to myself.
My mom is turning my bedroom into a guest room this week.
I'm officially a guest in my parents' house.
So weird.
It's time to watch a Christmas movie and pretend I'm still young.
Goodnight, friends!

So I'm home.
Back in Jersey.
My first full day I spent the first part of the day cleaning Lucia's kitchen and the second in the eye doctor.
My new glasses are ballin.
Today I'm stopping around a bunch of different stores and such and dropping off resumes for seasonal help, then off to West Chester to visit Greg.
So home is good.
Sleeping, however, is not.
Two nights I have slept here, and both nights I have had trouble falling asleep and really awful nightmares.
Ugh.
So sleepy.

**so I just remembered my nightmare last night.  Lucia had just died suddenly and then all of a sudden two weeks later Homie died in an accident.  So I was pretty upset...then I ran into Jay-Z at one of those color-drum shows where everyone gets paint on their faces.  So Jay-Z was trying to cheer me up and then I left to go to a Needtobreathe concert where I ran into Jon Foreman from Switchfoot.  He just smiled at me though, no consoling or anything.  And then people from my church kept coming up and telling me things about my dad and not to worry because he was definitely in heaven.  Twas a heavy and awfully sad dream.

I'm excited to sleep at Greg's tonight...maybe I'll have a normal dream.

The Road to Jersey Day One.

Three hours worth of tears later, and here we are.  I left Los Angeles today.
Stephanie and my first stop was the grand canyon, which she was super super pumped about.  So seven hours later we're there, except it's snowing super hard and we can barely see the road.  We get to the park entrance and they tell us that there is 0% visibility and we can't get in.  So we drive the five minutes to our hotel.
So it's 4:30pm, we're bummed and we're at our hotel.  Luckily, our hotel is sweet.
It has a bowling alley, movie theatre (you have to go out into the snow to get to this one though), a crappy sports restaurant/bar, a beautiful fireside restuarant/bar, and a gym/hot tub.  So we're like hey, sweet.  Let's relax here for the day.
So we have dinner and drinks at the cheap sports bar, then a glass of wine by the fire at the beautiful bar, then off to the hot tub for ten minutes then back to the room (which is directly next to the beautiful bar) to shower.  We're about to watch Crazy Stupid Love.
Perfect.
Hopefully tomorrow we can get into the Grand Canyon before leaving for Texas.
Also, Texas will be a challenging drive as it's 13 hours and possibly snow-kissed.
But then we're in Nashville.
Then we'll be home.
Then I'll be officially back to real life.
Hmm.
Day 2 tomorrow.

Give Me Wings, Give Me Peace.

In the last three hours I have come across three deaths via Facebook.  I don't know any of them, but I read into each one and all of the posts from their friends and family.  And of course I think of my own experiences with death...and it's one of those moments when I don't understand why we live.
I'm not suicidal or depressed or anything that should worry anyone, I'm just sad.
My heart breaks for the people that woke up to find that their world was different, darker.
A scary place made scarier.
There's so much good and so much joy in my life right now, but I find myself wrapped up by death.
I find myself grieving for people I've never known.
I think I'm also grieving for my life that I'm about to leave behind next week.
It breaks my heart to know that I won't see most of my friends again, as they're scattered around the country.
I will never have the same job I had this semester, live in the same room, have the same walk to school or classes or opportunities.  I'm laying to rest a beautiful four months.  When I think about leaving I imagine myself clawing at the doorframe of my apartment as I'm dragged away.
I don't want to leave.
I love my family and am so so excited to go home, but I don't want to leave.
I don't want to move onto the next step of life because these steps are getting so short and there's so much change and I feel like my life is flashing by.
I don't want my life to whiz right by, and the idea that tomorrow I could get into a car accident and die haunts me.
I'm afraid that I haven't had enough time to reconcile my faith after Monica's death, and if that's true then what would happen if I died tomorrow?  Would I cease to exist, burn in hell, or be delivered to heaven?
I believe all of the things that a Christian is supposed to believe, but right now I'm not okay with it.  I'm not okay with people dying and freaking dogs dying and life passing by and feeling like I'm running in circles.

Where is the comfort in this?
What can anyone say or do to bring peace to this chaos?