I debated on whether or not I should tell anyone here about my past life.  My past year.  Monica.
I decided no during the road trip over.
After a really rough summer that seemed to be filled with the sadness of her death, I decided not to bring her with me to LA.
Because if I wanted to not be sad, I couldn't bring any part of her.  I'm realizing it's not Monica that I'm suppressing and warring against, but the ghost of her death.  I want to keep Monica within me always, but her ghost is still ever-present.  So, it's all or nothing.
So I didn't talk about her.  And honestly, I didn't really think about her.  It was like the ghost left, but at the same time, so did Monica.
So my one roommate, Krista, and I were having a loooooong chat a few days ago when everyone else was out and we were talking about boys and and faith and life and I told her a bit about where I've come from.
And a few opportunities arose where I could have mentioned Monica.  But I didn't because I didn't want to bring such a burden, such baggage to a new environment.
But finally I decided to tell Krista, just quickly state that she passed away and it's been rough.
And just like that, the ghost is back.
The nightmares, the fear of sleep, the spontaneous crying when I'm alone...
Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with how wrong this is that I want to scream.
And of course, it's the nights that I have a ton of things to do that I my head is clouded with grief.
Grief that has made a home in my head.

So I just moved into a new apartment in the center of Los Angeles.
I live on the sixth floor.
I have great big windows that open up to see a good chunk of Los Angeles and beyond, including the Hollywood sign.
Every time I pass by my window I have to take a step back and look out to the Hollywood sign.  All of the lights at night, the colors in the day...they're beautiful.  It's a fantastic view.  And every time I wonder about how I got here, to this moment, staring out into a beautiful city with the sun shining through my window and a breeze blowing in.
How did I get here.

I've made so many plans.
Over the last four/five years, I've made a ton of plans.  My major, my college, my career choice, my summer jobs, internships, where to live, where to study abroad...
Not one of those plans included moving to LA.
I was going to do the Wild Semester (remember that?) and go on to take photos and advertise for REI and other outdoor recreational companies.
And then when that tanked I was going to go to Spain and be a Spanish translator or work for a PR firm in Spain.
And then I wasn't going to study abroad, and instead work on my film and move to NYC after graduating to try to get into the business.
And then I was going to move to London and try to get into that film industry.
And then Monica died.  And I wasn't going to do anything.

LA was always there in the back of my mind as an option, but I never thought I'd actually do it.  I figured that film is too hard to get into.  Even if I love film, PR is easier and more practical.  But I applied anyways.
I officially handed in my application online hours before finding out that Monica had died.  I was rejected shortly after applying.
I was okay with not going.  I even convinced myself that I would be happy living with my friend Melissa on campus and having a good final fall semester at Gordon.  I was perfectly content with that.
And then a spot opened up at LAFSC.
And I went back and forth and ultimately decided that no, I didn't want to go.  With everything that had happened, I didn't want another crazy transition.  And I had living with Melissa to look forward to.
Then Melissa called and said she needed to live off campus for financial reasons.  She was going to stay at her apartment and I was without a roommate.
Or any plans.
But still, moving to LA for the film program would be too much for me, I told myself.  So I still decided no.
Four days after being offered a spot, I still hadn't responded.
I didn't want to go.  But I didn't want to give up the opportunity in case I changed my mind.
But I didn't want to go.
And then I talked to Steven.
And he told me I had to go.  And I don't know why that resonated with me, because I think he literally just looked at me and said 'you have to go', but I felt like he was right.
And so I accepted the opportunity.
And here I am.
And since being at college there has been so much that has just felt wrong and hard and painful.  Like nothing is going right.  But (this is going to sound cheesy, but tis real) every time I stop and look out to the skyline and all of the lights, I think of how miraculous it was that God brought me here.  That He brought me out of one of the hardest times in my life and rescued me from myself and turned it into something good for me.  How I almost threw this away because I didn't want to move on with life, but He brought me here anyways.  Being in LA is a reminder that I'm being heard and understood and cared for, and I'm reminded every time I look out my window.

Finally, a moment.
A moment to breathe, to sit in bed, to blog.
I'm watching the Godfather, which is a movie I was supposed to watch prior to arriving at the LAFSC program, but never got around to.  It just happened to be on TV in my hotel room.
Also, Lucia and I have different rooms in our hotel room.  I have a door and everything.  It's a really wonky set up, both rooms have a queen sized bed and very little space for anything else.  But it's awesome.  We also each have a flat screen TV mounted on the wall in front of our beds.  So that's nice.
I have had little contact with anyone but Lucia for about seven days now.  A door between our rooms is quite nice.
However, for seven days traveling across country with your mother, we've done incredibly well.
Not one fight.
We actually had a great trip.  It was beautiful.  I feel like everyone needs to see a good part of the country at some point in their life.
I now think how could I live in NYC after seeing all of this beauty?  How could I move to a place that is so familiar without seeing what's out there?

That being said, I've been in LA for a day and a half now.
It's practically a different country.
The driving is weird and very different from what I'm used to.  The population is a thousand times more diverse than I am used to.  The city is unlike any city I've ever been in.
It's all very different.  Not bad.  I think I might actually like it a lot once it becomes less foreign, but it's still overwhelming.
Very overwhelming.  I was walking down the street today and looked up and saw the Hollywood sign in front of my face.
Like, what?
I'm in Los Angeles.  That's weird.
Also I am having such a hard time trying to figure out how to drive here.
Everyone drives like NYC taxis.
It's crazy.
And there's so many things everywhere and I have no idea where to park my car and I don't recognize the names on any of the stores.
I just want a target and a whole foods and a big ol' parking lot.
But the parts that I've seen are wonderful.
I LOVE Venice beach.  I love it.  It's beautiful and there's so many shops and restaurants and I love everything about it.  And the weather has been beautiful.
So, so far I love LA.
But I feel like I need a week by myself to get to know the area and get used to the craziness.
But alas, I move in tomorrow.
And I think I start classes Monday.
Yikes.
Everything is going so fast.
And I miss my friends.

So much to report!
I'm currently watching "Hocus Pocus" on ABC family at seven am (in August) while I wait for Lucia to be ready to leave.
We are departing for Los Angeles today. First stop: Indianapolis.
also I'm blogging on my new smart phone so that's fun too.
get ready for the next three days of nothing to do but blogging.
stay tuned.