Guess what guess what guess what!
Grades have been posted for this last semester.
I got straight A's.
I haven't gotten straight A's since high school.
Yessssssssssssssssss.

You know what I'm not excited about?
Squeezing a graduation cap onto my abnormally large head...and then taking a hundred pictures of me like that.
Not cute.
Not excited.
But the graduating part will be fun, I'm sure.

Anywho, I would also like to note that THE WEATHER IN NEW JERSEY IS NONSENSE.
Complete nonsense.
And I know that we're getting random cold fronts because of the tornados in the midwest, but it's still crazy.
I was so hot last night when I was trying to sleep.  Three fans and two open windows with no blankets and a minimal clothing=still hot.
Tonight, after wearing jeans and a long sleeved shirt all day I'm bundled up in sweats, a long sleeved shirt, blankets, shut windows, and my nice cozy hospital socks.
It's crazy, but I kind of love it (shhh).
I also had a 3.5 hour hair appointment today.
Oh, that poor girl that had to try to fix the colorful array that is mi pelo.
But she succeeded, and even she said she was surprised she had done it.
So I now have highlights.
Many, many highlights.
I'm kind of blonde.
I like it.
This is kind of what it looks like (it's dark in my room and it's taken via photobooth, so the colors aren't exactly spot-on).

Not super accurate, but it's what we've got.
Anywho, I'm going to a morning showing of Star Trek 3D with my parents and Heather in eight hours, so I will be going to sleep.
Goodnight, friends.

Our Hearts Are Heavy And Light.

Today is Stephanie's birthday!

She's 21 (oh boy) and I'm so so so thankful for her.  She's like a sister, and I love her.

In typical Jersey fashion, she's spending her birthday in Atlantic City with Gabe (her boy), and because I am still a baby 20 year old...I could not go.

However we will be celebrating Thursday when she returns!

Today is also Monica's birthday.  She would have been nineteen years old.  Her mom invited me and like forty other people to a ceremony at her grave and an open house at her home tomorrow, but I cannot go as I am so far away.  

I'm a total freak about birthdays.  I love them.  I think they're big deals and should be celebrated and made to be big deals.  You were born!  That's exciting!  So you should be celebrated.

So it's very strange to think of Monica's birthday.  Monica's death is so bad, and the fact that she can't celebrate her birthday feels so wrong, but she was born, she was alive at one time and that should be celebrated.  But it just seems sad.  Everything she's attached to just seems sad.

This day feels sad, but it's also happy.

Our Hearts Are Heavy And Light

We Laugh And Scream And Sing

Our Hearts Are Heavy And Light.

Something's Gotta Give is a weird movie.
We'll leave it at that.
Anywho, after a whirlwind of a weekend, I am home in New Jersey.
And oh, it has never felt more like home.
It's just so comfy.
I don't have to do homework or move out or live in a small space with six girls.
I'm in my room, by myself, with nothing to do.
And I have a new bed.  And it's incredible.  And my room is so clean and neatly packed...
It's great.
And my family.
When I got home my dad was already at my car before I took the key out of the ignition, and the first thing he did was told me he loves me and hugged me.
My dad has suddenly become a mushy teddy bear.
But it was really precious and then Lucia came out and hugs and such and then we ate chinese food and loaded all of my crap into my room.
And it is so so so nice having a room to myself.
Do not hear what I am not saying, as I love having a roommate 99% of the time.
But it is so nice to just be by myself for a little bit.
And this bed is just so freaking comfortable.

Never has this bed felt so comfortable.
And what a fantastic start to summer break.
My family is the greatest, this bed is the greatest, and I am so so tired.
More later.
Happy summertime, friends.

So it's the end of the semester.  The end of a long and tiring semester for everyone.
An apartment of six girls was and is an awful idea.  Half of us are confrontational, the other half not, and all of us have a temper.  And we're different and we're in a small space and there's just too many of us.  It's bringing out the worst in me.
I finally have my summer plans sorted and they're arguably more terrifying than not know what I was going to do.
I am so so so blessed to have two fantastic internships lined up for the summer.  I will be at Gordon two days a week working with the VP of communications and design department, and then will be interning at Elevate Communications in Boston three days a week in the creative content department.  So I'm set.
Things that scare me:
-Commuting to Boston
-Working for a professional PR firm
-Not knowing what I'm doing
-Not doing an excellent job

The last two are kind of silly fears.  I mean, I'll be new so obviously I won't know how everything works when I show up, but I'm a quick learner and I work hard, so it should be fine...right?
The first two are totally legit.  I am being thrusted into adult life.  I'm going to be paying rent and commuting to work in the city.  I'm going to be working from 9-5 at an office.  Then I'm moving to LA.
WHAT IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE.
Oh, adulthood, I never wanted you.
...but I'm thankful you're coming in the best of ways.  These are really amazing opportunities for my career and I really think that I'm going to love them.
I got a card today in my mailbox from Monica's mom with photos of Monica and a note inside.
What is there left to say?  It never gets easier.
I am so thankful for her.

Warning: SMASH Spoilers Ahead

I hate spoilers.  I rarely have audible/visible reactions to movies and tv shows, so when something exciting happens that could make me jump or gasp or even raise my eyebrows, I want to be able to appreciate it.

You can't appreciate it when you know what's coming.

So this is your warning.

I'm about to reveal a major spoiler for Smash.

So if you watch Smash, or plan to (you should), stop reading.

Okay.

Here we go.

So Kyle...lovable, precious, symbol of good-ness Kyle, was hit by a car in the last episode.  

He died.

He DIED.

And now, the episode I'm watching is about the aftermath of that.  Everyone finding out and reacting.  They're all going back to the last things they said to him, the messages from him on their phones, the notes written by and to him.  So far in this episode (season 2, episode 14) it's showing scenes with Kyle and each major member of the cast as they remember him, memories of them together.

I can't watch it.

I made it thirteen minutes and I was crying.

Who am I?

Six months ago I couldn't remember the last time I had cried.  I was actually frustrated by my lack of emotion.  Now I've gotten to the point where I've mastered putting eyeliner over uneven puffy eyes in the morning.

I feel different.  The foundation of who I am is slightly altered, changing every tier of my identity in some way.  I feel this overwhelming need to go home...but I don't have one.  Not one that will keep me, anyways.

I miss my family when I'm at Gordon.  I miss Stephanie and Greg and my sister and I feel like I would be complete if they were here.

Then I go home and I miss Gordon.

I started a feature-length screenplay in January about a guy who's re-connecting with his estranged son after finding out that the mother of his son has died.  The first act of the script includes the main character learning about her death and going to the funeral where he connects with their son, and it's due to my professor on Tuesday.

Anyway, I'm at the point in the story now when the character has just found out and now he's trying to make sense of her death and begin the grieving process.

What do I write?  How can I be true and accurate when I have yet to understand it myself?

Anyways, I'm sad about Kyle.  I wish he lived.  They're saying all of the things that people said about Monica, and it makes me sad.  His death was completely unnecessary.  He was just a character in a television show.  He didn't have to die.

just keep me where the light is.

Ohhhhhhhh how I miss my friend.
But you knew this, of course.
I'm very excited because Heather is coming to visit me tonight for the weekend!
We're going to the much-anticipated 90th Anniversary Gala tomorrow evening and shopping at the mall tomorrow.  So exciting.
Meanwhile I'm doing my animation.
And by that I mean I'm not really doing my animation.
I've done a tutorial and totally tanked it (say that ten times fast).
And I've neglected it for so long that my screensaver on the computer I'm editing on just turned itself on.
Yay.
So what am I going to do now?
Well, Heather is probably not going to get here until about midnight or one am, and I really should be editing...so I'm going to go to AC Moore for supplies and begin drawing the dreaded animation.
Ugh.
Gotta keep busy.

p.s. Heather's now 24 (what?!)