I don't think I will be returning to Belfast this January.
I loved the trip last year and it was so amazing and insightful, and I think I will let it forever be that.
I don't want to return and try to re-do all of my great memories.
I will let them stay forever as they are, my souvenirs in my head.

Things I have found to be cathartic:
Holding babies
Pre-worn (stolen/borrowed) boy sweatshirts
Listening to someone read aloud
The intro to Beauty and the Beast
Lounging in leggings + wool socks
Puppies


Needless to say, I am having quite a relaxing night after a crazy busy (and super fun) day.
Now to write an essay on Roger Ebert...
Good night, friends.

I love this group of people.
I was just at Seth's apartment (which is practically my apartment at this point) and I went up to three of the boys separately and asked them to tell me a story.  Instead of giving me a funny look or being like 'uhhh...no', they each jumped into a story without hesitation.  And they were all hysterical.
Twas a good night.
Also, I opened a joint account at the bank with Kyle today for our movie funds, and the friendly banker ordered me a Disney themed debit card.  Should arrive next week.  Joy.
And now I must either complete an essay or outline the first act of my script.
Good thing I have eight hours till I have to start getting ready for work.
Time management is kicking my butt.
Goodnight!

Just spent the last hour hypnotizing my friends into thinking they are pinned to the ground.
So fun.
I used to do this at slumber parties when I was younger.  You put them on the floor and have them relax and talk them through a vivid situation.  And then you send them through a scenario and about ten minutes later you bring them out of it, and they physically cannot sit up.  Krista's face was so red from trying so hard to get up.
I was pretty proud of myself.  It only worked halfway for Kyle, he was able to get up after a few tries, and Seth didn't work at all.
But it was fun.
Party tricks.

The opening music/narration in Beauty and the Beast is possibly one of my favorite sounds in the entire world.  The opening of that movie as a whole is my favorite opening of all time.
That is all.

Living in the Land of Summer

So today was awesome.  I recently started working in the acquisitions department at my internship, which has been so much fun.  I've read a few scripts and watched parts of movies and given feedback/suggested buying or not buying the script/movie.  It's pretty fun.  And today I got to go right from lunch to a screening of a film that we recently bought.
Super vague, I know.  Long story short: my internship is awesome.
I would love to make a career out of the stuff I've been doing at my internship.  It's so exciting.
For once in my life I have a solid idea of what I'd like to do with my life!
So exciting.
And this Friday I am going to another free movie screening which is super exciting.
I love LA.
I'm aware that this isn't the real world because I'm still a privileged student with few responsibilities, but I don't care.  I'm enjoying it while it's here.
Oh, the land of summertime.
It's magical.
Who knew I would love heat so much?  Turns out it's the humidity that I really can't stand.
I actually enjoy walking around in the sunshine now.

Also, it's time to think about what I will be doing in January.
Will I return to Belfast?
There is a part of the movie that I saw today that takes place in Ireland, and it killed me.  I really almost cried seeing the scenes there.  It looked just like Belfast.
I miss it so much.
But at the same time, I don't know if it would be productive for me to go.
Beneficial for me or the community.  It's very information-heavy and not so much volunteer-heavy.
It's a fantastic trip and was so valuable to me, but if it's the exact same as last year, I'm not sure I would get so much out of it.
Maybe I would.
I don't know.
Also, Steven won't be there.  So that's sad.
Also also, Monica.
Will I be able to hold it together?  I feel like it would be really hard to be there without her, since that was where we had the strongest connection.  That's where we were the closest.
And as I write this and really think about the weight of what that would mean to go back there, I feel as though I have to.  That I really want to, need to.
Maybe going to Belfast would release me, release her.
I still feel like she's going to come back most days.  I've almost texted her a few times since being in LA.  Those are the absolute worst moments.
At the same time, I don't want to go to Belfast just for my own purposes.  I want to go to be helpful and to learn about the city and love them.  Because I love Belfast.
Now I really want to go.
But it's such a scary thought.
Steven won't be there.  Monica won't be there.
I really love Belfast.
I don't know what to do.

Fun fact: I listen to really depressing music when I write.
Essays, scripts, blog posts...it all comes from my deb playlist.  Helps me focus.  Mostly for scripts.  I write a lot of dramas and it helps me write dramatically when I'm feeling dramatic.
So I was just going through my deb playlist and deleting and adding songs in preparation for some script writing, and all of a sudden I'm in Ireland and I'm walking down the street in Belfast toward the ice cream store and it's damp and chilly and I'm a little homesick but mostly excited about being in Ireland.  Rachel and Monica are with me and they're so clear and real and then all of a sudden I'm back in my apartment in LA and I'm crying.
What the hell was that?
I haven't had such clear memories of Belfast since before Monica died.  And suddenly I was back.
And I miss it and now there's a lump in my throat and I don't know what just happened.
I really loved that trip.

It's 58 degrees in Wenham right now.
What.
Even weirder, it's 62 here in LA.
This is weird because the last few days have been SO FREAKING HOT.
Brutal.
And suddenly it's in the sixties and I'm wearing a sweatshirt and leggings in my apartment because I'm chilly.
I love it.

Oh man LA is sweet.  My internship is great and my classes are great and my friends are great and the weather is great.
It's a lot of great.
Time management, however, is not great.
I somehow have yet to grasp the fact that I am busy from 9-5 every day and cannot put off my homework till midnight.
And thus, I am sleepy.
I really like my internship because it's all shiny and new and movie-ful, but it takes up so much time.  My MWF basically doesn't exist because by the time I get back and eat it's like 7pm then the time evaporates and i'm falling asleep.
And I am not creative when sleepy.  Not in the least bit.  I'm only bad things when sleepy.  So on nights like tonight, when I should really be creating an entire world for my treatment due Thursday (I'm writing a script that takes place on a pre-futuristic earth which doesn't and has never existed, hence my need for creativity) I cannot because my brain can barely grasp the world that I'm breathing in.
I don't know what my characters look like.  I don't know what they wear or how they speak or what their houses and terrain look like.
So much thinking.
I don't know.
I literally might just go to bed right now because I'm so stinkin tired and let's be real, this treatment isn't being written tonight.
Bleh.

Goodnight, world, and enjoy this wonderfully frigid evening.

PS I had a dream last night about a certain boy and a certain brother of that boy coming to visit me in LA.  Twas interesting, I woke up thinking that I needed to text them and see what time they were coming over because I thought they were at some hotel in LA.  So weird.  Glad I didn't.

It's been so long since I've written.
So much to say.
Everything is different.
The past two weeks have been a dream.  Perfect.  Love every second.
But alas, it's now beginning to get more like college real life and less like happy dream world.
My internship is wonderful, but I haven't been sleeping well and I'm so so tired.
So hard to wake up.
And tis because of this that I will now go to bed.