Warning: SMASH Spoilers Ahead

I hate spoilers.  I rarely have audible/visible reactions to movies and tv shows, so when something exciting happens that could make me jump or gasp or even raise my eyebrows, I want to be able to appreciate it.

You can't appreciate it when you know what's coming.

So this is your warning.

I'm about to reveal a major spoiler for Smash.

So if you watch Smash, or plan to (you should), stop reading.

Okay.

Here we go.

So Kyle...lovable, precious, symbol of good-ness Kyle, was hit by a car in the last episode.  

He died.

He DIED.

And now, the episode I'm watching is about the aftermath of that.  Everyone finding out and reacting.  They're all going back to the last things they said to him, the messages from him on their phones, the notes written by and to him.  So far in this episode (season 2, episode 14) it's showing scenes with Kyle and each major member of the cast as they remember him, memories of them together.

I can't watch it.

I made it thirteen minutes and I was crying.

Who am I?

Six months ago I couldn't remember the last time I had cried.  I was actually frustrated by my lack of emotion.  Now I've gotten to the point where I've mastered putting eyeliner over uneven puffy eyes in the morning.

I feel different.  The foundation of who I am is slightly altered, changing every tier of my identity in some way.  I feel this overwhelming need to go home...but I don't have one.  Not one that will keep me, anyways.

I miss my family when I'm at Gordon.  I miss Stephanie and Greg and my sister and I feel like I would be complete if they were here.

Then I go home and I miss Gordon.

I started a feature-length screenplay in January about a guy who's re-connecting with his estranged son after finding out that the mother of his son has died.  The first act of the script includes the main character learning about her death and going to the funeral where he connects with their son, and it's due to my professor on Tuesday.

Anyway, I'm at the point in the story now when the character has just found out and now he's trying to make sense of her death and begin the grieving process.

What do I write?  How can I be true and accurate when I have yet to understand it myself?

Anyways, I'm sad about Kyle.  I wish he lived.  They're saying all of the things that people said about Monica, and it makes me sad.  His death was completely unnecessary.  He was just a character in a television show.  He didn't have to die.