In the last three hours I have come across three deaths via Facebook. I don't know any of them, but I read into each one and all of the posts from their friends and family. And of course I think of my own experiences with death...and it's one of those moments when I don't understand why we live.
I'm not suicidal or depressed or anything that should worry anyone, I'm just sad.
My heart breaks for the people that woke up to find that their world was different, darker.
A scary place made scarier.
There's so much good and so much joy in my life right now, but I find myself wrapped up by death.
I find myself grieving for people I've never known.
I think I'm also grieving for my life that I'm about to leave behind next week.
It breaks my heart to know that I won't see most of my friends again, as they're scattered around the country.
I will never have the same job I had this semester, live in the same room, have the same walk to school or classes or opportunities. I'm laying to rest a beautiful four months. When I think about leaving I imagine myself clawing at the doorframe of my apartment as I'm dragged away.
I don't want to leave.
I love my family and am so so excited to go home, but I don't want to leave.
I don't want to move onto the next step of life because these steps are getting so short and there's so much change and I feel like my life is flashing by.
I don't want my life to whiz right by, and the idea that tomorrow I could get into a car accident and die haunts me.
I'm afraid that I haven't had enough time to reconcile my faith after Monica's death, and if that's true then what would happen if I died tomorrow? Would I cease to exist, burn in hell, or be delivered to heaven?
I believe all of the things that a Christian is supposed to believe, but right now I'm not okay with it. I'm not okay with people dying and freaking dogs dying and life passing by and feeling like I'm running in circles.
Where is the comfort in this?
What can anyone say or do to bring peace to this chaos?
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