When Monica died, I postponed my faith. I was hearing all of these songs about eternity and Jesus rising from the dead and being beautiful and how amazing God is and I was so angry. I was angry that Jesus defeated death and Monica succumbed. It wasn't fair.
I remember being so unsure of everything. What was life? What's the point? Who is this God that I thought I knew? That I thought loved me and wanted the best for me?
The only thing I was sure was that Monica did not deserve to die, let alone in a car accident because of some girl that was jacked up on alcohol and heroin.
I remember being so confused about being a Christian and about Monica's beliefs that she was so confident of, so secure in. Why was this happening? I needed her.
I remember the anger, and the confusion and the chaos, but I also remember listening to worship songs like my life depended on it.
And maybe it did. In my life, there have been numerous occasions where my heart has been in chaos, especially in the last year. I wasn't in a great place before Monica died, and when she did I was done. In all of my life, in all of these times of chaos and awful times, I have only ever been able to find peace in reading the bible or listening to worship music. It's not me trying to be a good Christian or me trying to earn points or fit in with my Christian friends. It's not a show or a gimmick or a way to attract people to Christianity.
It's survival. It's comfort and peace and everything I've ever wanted and needed. It's the only thing that has ever really calmed the chaos in me.
I'm still having a hard time to coming to terms with my feelings toward God and His role in Monica's death, but I have never been able to abandon my faith, even when I'm angry and want nothing to do with God. At the end of the day when I'm mourning and run down and desperate for air, it's the only thing I have. And that, my friends, is the only thing I am really certain of anymore.
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