Kids are spoilers.
I was watching Toy Story 3 with the four year old I babysit and his friend today and barely three minutes into it they began telling me exactly what was about to happen.
And I'm like hey thanks children, good thing I've seen this movie several hundred times already.
I hope someone tells them when they get older that they cannot do that to people.  Spoilers.
Anywho, today is the day.  After a week of ceremonies and services, today is the last formal opportunity to say goodbye to Monica.
This afternoon is the campus celebration of Monica's life.  And that's it.
I think I've been waiting for closure to land in my lap, but I'm realizing that that's not how it works.
It's stressful because I feel like I'm being forced into saying goodbye and moving on, but I'm not ready for that.
I'm trying.
I've gone to all of the services, talked to a bunch of people, even googled advice on how to deal with this.
Google has actually been really helpful.
After I returned to school I kept getting people telling me they were sorry and I had no idea how to respond to them.  My automatic response is "it's okay" but it wasn't.  It's not.  And I eventually just ended up staring at people awkwardly because I didn't know what to say.
So I googled appropriate responses.
Thank you is supposed to be the go-to answer, which I probably could have figured out myself if my brain was functioning normally.
I've also been watching movies about grieving characters like Beginners and Rabbit Hole.
I know it's just a movie and they're just actors, but it kind of helps.
At this point, right now, I'm just nervous about another ceremony.  More crying, more looking at photos of Monica and hearing how great she was.  More crying and choking and heaviness.
Maybe it will help.