I feel like I can't breathe.  My chest hurts and my eyes hurt and I can't breathe.
This morning I woke up and wondered why my body felt so bad, and then I remembered.
Monica is dead.
How is this possible?  How is this real?

I met Monica last semester, as we were selected to be on the team to go to Northern Ireland through Gordon.  I had no idea what to make of her.  She was this little freshman that would look everyone in the eyes and ask them about themselves even if she had never met them.  She had no fear; as far as she was concerned, the world was her family.  She truly loved everyone.
I know when people die everyone says all these nice things about them and exaggerate all of their good qualities, but this was literally Monica.  These aren't aspects of her that I took for granted or just realized now that she's gone.  These are things that I noticed every single day I spent with her.
She was my closest friend on my trip to Ireland.  She was so wise and mature for eighteen, but such a goof ball at the same time.  On an afternoon shopping we decided to go up a cool glass elevator to the very top where there was this glass globe thing that overlooked the city.  About half way up in this glass elevator, we both remembered that we were terrified of heights and complete idiots for subjecting ourselves to this.  We laughed.  We took photos.

She was so friendly.  We went to a tourist shop after these photos were taken and she literally spoke to everyone that came within a three feet radius of her.  And not just hi, what's up; she asked them if they lived there and how their days were going and what part of Belfast they liked the best.
What most people are saying in conversation and on Facebook now about Monica is that she genuinely cared about people.  She never asked someone how they were unless she actually wanted to know.  She was so intentional, and so trusting in God.
We had so many discussions on the trip about God and life and death and what it means to trust in a God we can't see.  I would have never ever imagined that just over two months later, she would know all of the answers to the questions we were asking.  I can't believe this.
How do you move on from this?
My friend is gone.  I will never see her goofy grin or hear her laugh or ask her opinion ever again.  She texted me four days ago, and I never texted her back.  I'll never text her back.
How do you go back to your apartment, to your classes, to your job, knowing that Monica will never go to another class or see your apartment again or grow up?  How do you grow up when you know Monica won't?
How do you move on from something like this?
I think that the worst thing that can happen when someone you love dies is forgetting them.  I never want to forget Monica.  I haven't been able to stop being sad or trying not to cry or crying and I don't want this to go on forever but if I stop being sad, I stop remembering how much it hurts that she's not here.
I feel so bad for Kesha.
I'm at her house for break and I know she's sad too and I know me being sad makes her sad but I can't be happy.  I can't get over this.
What is the sense in living if it gets taken away so quickly?
How do you continue living your everyday life?
The most maddening thing about this whole situation is that Monica would know just what to say to me right now.

I miss her.