Today has been such a deep-thinking day.  I had a really vivid dream and it sent me into thinking about love and marriage and life and death.  And I've also been listening to Switchfoot's Vice Verses album all day which is not very light or fluffy.
But back to my dream.
When I was fifteen I was crazy about this guy and we had an unofficial relationship for a few months.  And then he broke me up and got married to a nice girl a few months later.  I was super upset over this for a bunch of reasons, but the top of that list would probably be the fact that I was convinced we were going to get married.  Not in a girly unrealistic lovesick way(although there was that too), but in a practical, this is totally going to work and God so wants this for me kind of way.  I could go on and on about this part of my life, but I'll spare you.  Anywho, I haven't thought about this guy much over the past few years, until he was in my dream last night.
I dreamed that we were married and I was over-the-moon happy and he was wicked depressed.  It was really sad because I kept trying to get him to hang out with me and pay attention to me but he wanted nothing to do with me.  And I kept thinking oh crap, I totally just chained myself for life to this guy that hates me.  Wrong choice.
So I wake up and start thinking about this guy and what my life would be like now if he had decided to marry me instead of the other girl.  And then I start thinking about how one decision can change the course of your entire life and then I start to think about the meaning of life and what it means to die and all this stuff.
And now I'm here without any answers, listening to Glee and feeling super tired.
Life is so confusing.
I feel like I was a kid just yesterday, but it's been almost three years since I've been out of high school.  And now I have projects and essays and choices all over the place.  I have to actually pay attention to my classes and work super hard because it's no longer for a grade, it's in preparation for my future career.  The rest of my life.
Soon I'm going to be applying to real jobs, moving somewhere far away from New Jersey, which will both break my heart and liberate me.
And then I'm going to find a career and get married and then my life will be over.
Marriage is a great thing I'm sure, but I feel like my whole life is leading up to getting a career and getting married and maybe having a kid or two...and then what?
Driving my kids to and from soccer practice and arguing with my husband about money-is that what I want in life?
This is the point in my life where I have to figure out what it is that I want so I can make the right decisions to get there.
Oh, adulthood.  It hits you like a ton of bricks.