I've spent a lot of time fitting into a persona.  I picked a role a long time ago and stuck with it.  I did a lot of things to fit into that role that I know were wrong, but didn't feel wrong enough to not do it.  I was a Christian because I was afraid of dying, and figured that if I said I was a Christian and prayed sometimes, I wouldn't burn forever in hell and I could call for help when I wanted it.  When I made the decision to be an active Christian and seek after God, I think I still had the idea that this was a role, a new role, but still a role.  I wasn't living for the Lord because I loved Him or because I had an in-depth relationship, but because I wanted to be accepted into the Christian community at my youth group and eventually here at Gordon.  I wasn't planning on giving up my old habits, the things that tied me to my friends at home and 'non-christian' friends, but I figured I could be a cool Christian.  I realize how stupid this sounds but this was my thought process.  I could hook up with whoever and smoke and drink every once and a while and it wouldn't affect my faith, because I genuinely loved the Lord.
I ask God for things a lot.  I don't pray often, I haven't read the bible since I took an old testament class last semester, and I don't discuss theology because it freaks me out.  I've recently realized that getting deep into a relationship with God really means that I have to get rid of the person I've molded myself to be, and become a new creation worthy of the Lord, and that scares the crap out of me.
I'm not a fan of change.  I'm not a fan of commitment or serious/important decisions.  I like to do what I want and deal with the consequences later.
But here's the thing.  This was 'deep faith' week at Gordon, and believe me I know how cheesy that sounds.  I wasn't looking forward to this week because it sounded like some silly theme with wicked old theologians saying things that I didn't understand.  And without realizing it, all these things started happening.  My roommate and I were talking one night about boys and dating and I was wondering why  guys here weren't attracted to me and why I didn't have a boyfriend and all that jazz, and Tibbs answered it flat out with something that I had never thought of.  She told me that she wouldn't want to date a guy that had a similar faith that I had.  And I wasn't expecting it to hit me that hard, but shoot did it make me think.  I wasn't offended, it was just like my eyes opened.  My faith was low, incredibly and almost non-existent-ly low.  And then, the main event for 'deep faith' week was this professor from Oxford that came to talk to us.
Side note- I hate chapel.  I zone out and I fall asleep and I don't understand half the things they talk about, and most of the time I'd rather daydream than listen to the stuff they have to say.  But this guy was saying things that were so powerful, literally powerful, that I couldn't ignore it.  I don't remember the wording of the last thing he said, but I basically realized while sitting there that I didn't have a relationship with God.  I wasn't a Christian at that very moment, and I think I knew that for a while.  I wasn't speaking to Him, reading the bible, believing that He could do anything in my life.  I wasn't trusting God or putting any faith in God, because I didn't want to.  I didn't want to stand out from my friends as being the 'Christian one', I didn't want to give up a care-free lifestyle, and I didn't want to surrender control of my life to God.
And I don't know where this is coming from, this random post because I have a very very hard time talking about Christianity with people because I don't want to sound preach-y or fake or like I'm putting on a show to advertise Christianity.  But this is real, this is how I feel and this is what I've realized.  I am ready to give up everything.  I'm ready to risk my friendships, my plans, everything to have a real, deep, intense and all-encompassing relationship with the Lord.  I know that God is real and I know that He loves me and I know that I will suffer more and more if I don't let myself go and dive into this.  I'm ready, and I'm accepting that I will be judged and look silly to most of my friends at home, but I don't think I've ever been so sure about anything in my life.  I've never really tried to change my life before, not wholeheartedly, so pray for me as I begin.