HOMEWORK IS SO HARD.
Not the content so much as the discipline.
Sitting down and reading texts that are pretty dry and dense is so freakin' hard.
I know what you're thinking, rolling your eyes and judging me.
"Yes, Sarah, welcome to college, where we do homework."
Well listen, sassy reader, once you have a taste of something you love, like film school, it's ten times harder to return to the thing you don't love.
I'd rather be writing my scripts or watching a movie.
Oh how I miss film school.
I keep telling myself that I just need to get back 'into the swing of things'.
Is that true?  Will I ever really get back into a comfortable routine here?  I don't know.
But I've realized that being back with Kesha and Sarah and Laura is enough to make me thankful for returning to Gordon.
So we have my ups and downs of Gordon so far this semester.
I refuse to accept anything other than the fact that great things are to come.
Happy Monday, friends, and welcome to the final semester of my college career.

In six days I will be driving back to Gordon for my final semester of college.  This is the time where I extract all that college has to offer and enjoy it.  So naturally, I've found a list of suggestions for my final semester.  There are several that are irrelevant to my life, but most of these are gems that I hope to follow.

I'm copying this from Total Sorority Move (http://totalfratmove.com/39-things-you-must-do-your-last-semester-of-college/).

After exams you didn’t study for, homework you didn’t do, and bar tabs your parents are still paying off, these college years are coming to a close. A chapter is ending — and it’s a really fucking good one. Enjoy these last few months. Enjoy them with everything you have.

1. Stay out all night. Literally stay out until the sun comes up. Reminisce, shoot the shit, drink too much. You have your whole adult life for sleep.

2. Start applying for internships/jobs now. Between the binge drinking and the class skipping, find time to be proactive. You’ll be glad you did.

3. Learn how to write a good cover letter. This is important. You must stand out.

4. Stop sending nude pictures. These will come back to haunt you. Seriously. Stop it.

5. Make every single form of social media you have private. Your future employers WILL search for you and trust me, they won’t like what they find.

6. Wake up in a freshman dorm. Once you’re out of college, hooking up with an eighteen-year-old is for the morally bankrupt. Roll in the hay – or crib, as it may be – one last time.

7. Be stupid – but not too stupid.

8. Make or break it with the college sweetheart. If it’s not forever, let it die. Being a recent postgrad is hard enough. No one needs a shitty relationship, to boot.

9. Thank your parents. Mean it.

10. Skip class and go to a bar. Your professors will be more forgiving than your future bosses will.

11. Stop cheating. Stop plagiarizing. Stop scanning. Stop skimming.

12. Realize that the right thing will not always be the easy thing. Deal with it.

13. Start becoming the person you really want to be.

14. Stop making excuses.

15. Read something written by Dave Ramsey. Learn how to balance a checkbook. Manage your money.

16. Stop buying stupid shit. You will have to pay your own bills soon enough. Try not to go into debt.

17. Put. Down. Your. Phone.

18. Take mental pictures of everything. Real memories don’t need to be filtered or snapped, the good ones need to be cherished in your mind.

19. Start taking responsibility for your achievements, and more importantly, for your mistakes.

20. Credit cards are only fun until you have to pay the bill. Remember that.

21. Use condoms. And birth control. And maybe even spermicide for good measure. You know what’s fun? Sex. You know what’s not? A baby.

22. Learn to like coffee that isn’t $7 a cup.

23. Drink more water. Your hangovers get exponentially worse as soon as you cross that graduation stage.

24. Pedialyte. This is your new best friend.

25. Stop thinking that the best years of your life are coming to an end. They’re good years, yes. But the best? No.

26. Do not address the fact that you are still on the family cell phone plan. Odds are, if you don’t mention it, neither will your parents. Ride this one out as long as possible.

27. Never “hashtag” in a work email. You think it’s funny. They think it’s obnoxious. #trustme

28. It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to be scared. These are scary times. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar.

29. Get on some sort of fitness routine. You will gain weight after graduation and it will be awful.

30. Appreciate the friendships you have now. Do your best to maintain them, but understand that some people are not meant to stay in your life for forever. It’s okay.

31. Forgive the person who broke your heart, but also unfriend them on Facebook. There’s nothing quite as awful as seeing the engagement announcement of a former flame.

32. It is likely that you will move back home at some point within the two years following graduation. Try not to be unbearable. Your parents won’t like it, either.

33. People get dumped, people get fired, people get sick. Be as carefree as possible for these last few months. Real life is scary. Right now doesn’t have to be.

34. This is not the happiest you will ever be. It feels like it is, but it’s not.

35. Actually attend class for once. Your parents are paying a lot of money for you to dick around.

36. People will start getting engaged, married, and having babies throughout the next year. It really is okay if you’re not one of them.

37. A relationship does not definite your self-worth or happiness. Concentrate on yourself for a while. Now is a good time to be selfish.

38. Stop smoking.

39. You’re never too old to ask for help. Remember that.

So This is the New Year.

I went to Ireland this year.  So weird, it feels like years ago.
I started my year in Ireland, and am ending it in New York City.
I had one very bad semester, and one very good.
I had four internships this year and learned a lot with each, although only two of them I really liked.
I did not crash a car this year (that's cause enough to celebrate).
I made an abundance of new friends, and lost one.
I have grown up a lot, despite my wishes to not.
This year has been so full.  Full of love and joy but also pain and despair.
I keep thinking of this movie I saw one, called Elena, llena de gracia.
Llena de gracia.  The word 'llena' means full, but it seems more encompassing of the meaning than the English word.
Llena de gracia, full of grace.
My year has been llena de gracia.
I am thankful for the depth of emotion and learning that I have swam through this year.
My New Years resolution is to start letting things go.  Not completely, but enough to move forward and be happy.
I want to go back next semester and appreciate Gordon and my last semester there, rather than grieving my semester in LA.  I want to keep my eyes open and notice how full life is and the wonder in that.
I am excited for a New Year, and I feel like I can peacefully release 2013.
Happy New Year, friends!

Everything around me seems to be reminding me that I'm getting older.

Growing up.

Heather came home for Christmas for one day before she had to go back to the city for work.  It's so weird that she's an adult now.

And as I sit in her apartment in Harlem while she's at church I can't help but think about where I will be next.

Will I have my own cheap apartment in NYC?  Chicago?  LA?

I keep trying to imagine what life will be like come May, but I can't see anything.  

My brain can't comprehend the concept enough to develop a plan.

Where will I go?  What will I do?  What purpose should I be working to fulfill?

It both comforts me and worries me that Heather is still working on answering these questions, at 24 with a great job.

We shall see.

There is so much peace that comes with Christmas Eve night.  I'm surrounded by family and Christmas hymns and movies expressing joy and love.  So much happy.  I know that the morning brings exciting traditions like presents and hot chocolate, but I'm most excited about the hefty dose of family that I will be taking in.
I have the greatest family in the world.
Today we had our yearly Christmas Eve party, and then my whole family went to the Christmas Eve service at church--even Stephanie and her boyfriend came with us.  Then afterwards we got in our pjs and watched a Christmas movie and joked and laughed until deciding we couldn't stay up any longer.  So now, at 2:02 am, I am turning on 'Polar Express' and going to sleep.
I find myself consistently happy on each Christmas Eve night, and this year is no exception.
I still feel the magic of this night that I felt as a kid waiting for Santa.
I really love Christmas.
Have a wonderful Christmas, friends.

A girl that I graduated with died suddenly a few days ago.
I don't know what the cause of death was, but it was the second death from my graduating class in two weeks.
I've known this girl my whole life, but hadn't talked to her since we were friends in elementary school.  I can't stop thinking of her little sister...and what I would do if my sister was suddenly gone forever.
I spent all of this time thinking about why some people are chosen to survive and some are chosen to die...and it never makes sense.  I can't find a rhythm or formula to it.  It just happens.  It's maddening.
To slip away from this world so easily...I'll never understand.

Rest, Dani Cummings.  I hope you are at peace.

People keep asking me what it's like being home.
I don't know what to tell them.
It's not bad, really, but not good either.  It kind of just is what it is.
I was expecting it to be both bad and good, but it's really not either.
It has, however, only been four days.
I miss my friends, and I miss being productive and having endless things to do.
The perks of living in a big city.
And now I have mountains of crap all around my room from LA and Gordon and Jersey...
I think I'm sick of moving.  Packing and unpacking only to do it again in four months or less.
I miss the consistency of living in my parents' house.  One address, one zip code, one bedroom to myself.
My mom is turning my bedroom into a guest room this week.
I'm officially a guest in my parents' house.
So weird.
It's time to watch a Christmas movie and pretend I'm still young.
Goodnight, friends!

So I'm home.
Back in Jersey.
My first full day I spent the first part of the day cleaning Lucia's kitchen and the second in the eye doctor.
My new glasses are ballin.
Today I'm stopping around a bunch of different stores and such and dropping off resumes for seasonal help, then off to West Chester to visit Greg.
So home is good.
Sleeping, however, is not.
Two nights I have slept here, and both nights I have had trouble falling asleep and really awful nightmares.
Ugh.
So sleepy.

**so I just remembered my nightmare last night.  Lucia had just died suddenly and then all of a sudden two weeks later Homie died in an accident.  So I was pretty upset...then I ran into Jay-Z at one of those color-drum shows where everyone gets paint on their faces.  So Jay-Z was trying to cheer me up and then I left to go to a Needtobreathe concert where I ran into Jon Foreman from Switchfoot.  He just smiled at me though, no consoling or anything.  And then people from my church kept coming up and telling me things about my dad and not to worry because he was definitely in heaven.  Twas a heavy and awfully sad dream.

I'm excited to sleep at Greg's tonight...maybe I'll have a normal dream.

The Road to Jersey Day One.

Three hours worth of tears later, and here we are.  I left Los Angeles today.
Stephanie and my first stop was the grand canyon, which she was super super pumped about.  So seven hours later we're there, except it's snowing super hard and we can barely see the road.  We get to the park entrance and they tell us that there is 0% visibility and we can't get in.  So we drive the five minutes to our hotel.
So it's 4:30pm, we're bummed and we're at our hotel.  Luckily, our hotel is sweet.
It has a bowling alley, movie theatre (you have to go out into the snow to get to this one though), a crappy sports restaurant/bar, a beautiful fireside restuarant/bar, and a gym/hot tub.  So we're like hey, sweet.  Let's relax here for the day.
So we have dinner and drinks at the cheap sports bar, then a glass of wine by the fire at the beautiful bar, then off to the hot tub for ten minutes then back to the room (which is directly next to the beautiful bar) to shower.  We're about to watch Crazy Stupid Love.
Perfect.
Hopefully tomorrow we can get into the Grand Canyon before leaving for Texas.
Also, Texas will be a challenging drive as it's 13 hours and possibly snow-kissed.
But then we're in Nashville.
Then we'll be home.
Then I'll be officially back to real life.
Hmm.
Day 2 tomorrow.

Give Me Wings, Give Me Peace.

In the last three hours I have come across three deaths via Facebook.  I don't know any of them, but I read into each one and all of the posts from their friends and family.  And of course I think of my own experiences with death...and it's one of those moments when I don't understand why we live.
I'm not suicidal or depressed or anything that should worry anyone, I'm just sad.
My heart breaks for the people that woke up to find that their world was different, darker.
A scary place made scarier.
There's so much good and so much joy in my life right now, but I find myself wrapped up by death.
I find myself grieving for people I've never known.
I think I'm also grieving for my life that I'm about to leave behind next week.
It breaks my heart to know that I won't see most of my friends again, as they're scattered around the country.
I will never have the same job I had this semester, live in the same room, have the same walk to school or classes or opportunities.  I'm laying to rest a beautiful four months.  When I think about leaving I imagine myself clawing at the doorframe of my apartment as I'm dragged away.
I don't want to leave.
I love my family and am so so excited to go home, but I don't want to leave.
I don't want to move onto the next step of life because these steps are getting so short and there's so much change and I feel like my life is flashing by.
I don't want my life to whiz right by, and the idea that tomorrow I could get into a car accident and die haunts me.
I'm afraid that I haven't had enough time to reconcile my faith after Monica's death, and if that's true then what would happen if I died tomorrow?  Would I cease to exist, burn in hell, or be delivered to heaven?
I believe all of the things that a Christian is supposed to believe, but right now I'm not okay with it.  I'm not okay with people dying and freaking dogs dying and life passing by and feeling like I'm running in circles.

Where is the comfort in this?
What can anyone say or do to bring peace to this chaos?

Poor little Jakie died yesterday.  

We found out that he had cancer like two weeks ago.  We had been expecting that Joey didn't have much time left because he's been sick for a long time, but not Jake.  Jake never acted sick...we had no idea.

But he's gone now.  Poor little puppy.

I'm so excited to go home.
I'm sure after two weeks at home I'll be crying for my LA life, but right now I'm so pumped to go home.
Even now, I hate the idea of leaving, but I miss my friends and family and not having anything to do.
Also, this Christmas break is going to be extra special because I'm going to get to know my dad.
I recently read an article devoted to my aunt's successful career as an NYC litigator, and I learned a lot about her career journey and a few other random things that I never knew--like my great grandfather was an engineer that graduated from MIT. (if you're intrigued, here is the link Susan Millington Campbell--Super Lawyers)
And it got me thinking that I don't know much about my family.  I feel like I know a lot about Lucia and her childhood and life before me and such, but I know nearly nothing about my dad.
I have a few solid things that I know about him, like the fact that he loves the opera scene in Philadelphia (it even makes him cry) and...I literally don't know if I can come up with something else that isn't super generic like he loves Chevy Chase movies and making beer.  So anyways, I don't know much.
And I want to.
I hear stories of fathers giving advice and guiding their kids through life, and I want to extract some of that wisdom from him.  I only remember clearly a few times where my dad gave me advice: when Monica died and when I was considering transferring colleges my sophomore year.
When I came home this last May after Monica died, I hadn't talked to my parents about it at all.  I had sent a Facebook message to them so that they were aware, but told them I didn't want to talk about it or answer any questions.  So we didn't.
But when I came home my dad came into the laundry room when I was putting clothes in the washer and stood there waiting for me to acknowledge him.  I remember him saying 'So you had a difficult semester.  You just gotta keep going.  Stop crying and keep going.  That's life.'
I remember being super pissed like wow dad, how sensitive.  But he was right.  That's life.
And then back when I was a sophomore, I remember we were driving somewhere and talking about what I wanted to do with my life, what my plan was.  I was nervous about telling him that I wanted to make movies, because my sister was in the middle of starving in Nashville trying to be a singer.  I wanted to be the one with the clear, established future.  But alas, I am in love with movies.  So I nervously told him, and immediately followed it with 'but I'm not sure, we'll see.'
But I remember him making a face and saying "Nah, nahh, you want to do the movie stuff, right?  Then that's what you gotta do."
So that's where I am.
So anywho, I'm super excited about this break.  I've already called him and told him all about my plan.  I think he thinks it's kinda presh (in his words of course).
We've already made plans to visit this bar in Philadelphia that he used to go to a lot in college.  I love stuff like that.  I love places that have so many stories.  The lives of my parents are just gold mines for stories...I'm excited to hear them.  Maybe I can re-tell them in a movie someday.
So anyways, that's what I'm chewing on on this Wednesday evening in my apartment in LA.
Now I'm going to continue my script that is so so so so far from being finished (and due Sunday).
Goodnight, friends!

So I see the same 33 people pretty much every day.
We all have class together, share the same library, movies, classrooms, computers.
So, when one of us gets sick...we all get sick.
My professor came down with 'food poisoning' last Tuesday, and my roommate had the same this weekend.
Well, friends, tis not food poisoning.
Because now my other roommate and I are home sick with what must be the most violent stomach flu ever.
This is day two, which has been monumentally better than day one.
But still sucks.  I haven't eaten anything since Sunday and am just now being able to keep fluids down.
It's also unfortunate because this is my last week of my internship.  I'm hoping I can make it in tomorrow.
Bleh.

So today I'm at work and my mom calls in the middle of the afternoon.
Weird.
She knows that I'm at work till a certain time and that I can't answer my phone.
Yet, she calls.
So I text her and ask if everything's okay.
And I don't get a response.
And I'm thinking someone has died for sure.
Someone is in the hospital or dead or something.
So I'm nearly panicking when she texts me back.
Jake has cancer.
My first thought: Ahh (relief), just the dogs.
My second thought: Wait, Jake has cancer?
My mom texts me again, saying that the dogs went to the vet yesterday and found out Jake has like a month left to live, and Joey's been on the decline for a while.
And then I cried.  It's so dumb, but I cried.
So I'm at work, sitting in the bathroom, crying.
Because my dogs are dying.
Like, what?
It sounds so dumb to me.  Like, they're just dogs.
But even as I write this it's hard not to get emotional.
Because I feel like my family member just found out that he has a month to live.
And I'm suddenly realizing that my dogs, who I've had since I was in second grade, are going to die soon.
And I love my dogs.
We knew that Joey was going to die soon, he's been sick for a long time and he's like 14 years old.  But not Jake.  Jake has never stopped being spunky and annoying since we brought him home.  He's 12, but still acts like a puppy.
And it's so dumb but the death of my pets feels consistent with the death of a friend.
It sounds so bizarre to me, but that's how it feels.
I remember sitting on my steps in my first house in Jersey when I was eight years old and telling Joey that he was my best friend.  I think every kid does that.
I grew up with them.  It's weird to think about.
So that's where my head is.
My poor puppies.  I don't know if I'll ever see them again.

Every once and a while I turn up my air conditioning really high and get snuggled up with tea and wool socks and a big sweatshirt (mostly Seth's sweatshirt) and pretend I'm back at Gordon waiting for my friends to come over and watch a movie.
I really miss New England.
I love LA, love the weather, love all of it, but I can't help but get weirded out by the fact that it's November 10th and I'm still wearing flip flops and sun dresses.
I dreamt of snow the other night.  I woke up to 80 degree weather.
As much as I don't want to leave, I am excited to go back to the east, if only for a while.

I almost can't believe it, but it's time for a countdown.

Days Till:

Laura comes to LA: 3
Sarah comes to LA: 12
Thanksgiving: 18
All assignements are due: 11
Last Day of my Internship: 15
Final Banquet: 24
Stephanie comes: 25
Leave for NJ: 26
Go to MI: 40
Christmas Eve: 44
Go to NYC: 48

Time is going so quickly.

It's weird that we don't talk to people we don't know.
I know that 'stranger danger' has its validity to an extent, but it's weird to me that I treat nearly everyone I haven't met as a stranger with potential danger.
Maybe I've lived in too many cities.  Maybe I watch too much SVU.
I'm sitting in a cozy Starbucks down the street from my apartment complex, and I'm not talking to anyone.  I look around and it's pretty empty at 7:51pm aside from about seven twenty-somethings.  It's like we're all in the cozy living room drinking coffee and not talking to each other.
What if we treated cafes like we did parties?  Entering and introducing ourselves.  Sitting with people for a bit before continuing on with our work or whatever it is we set out to do here.
I've never really felt the urge to chat up patrons at a coffee shop, but right now I just feel so weird that I'm sitting so close to a group of people my age and we're ignoring each other.  They see me.  I see them.  This Starbucks looks like someone's living room.
So why aren't we talking?
It's weird, I guess.  It's unusual and probably annoying if I were to pull up a chair and introduce myself to these people.
It's just bothering me.  The whole social construct.
Why don't we talk to people we don't know?  Where did this rule come from?
I hate it.  Part of me doesn't want to enable such a stupid construct, but part of me doesn't want to be that awkward girl.  And I hate that I care about being awkward because it's just so dumb.  My friends were strangers before they were friends.
Argh.  Rants.

Today I am thankful for cold(ish) weather and good friends.  Even though we argue and complain, we end most days watching a movie or hanging out together.
Sleep is the enemy these days.
So much to do and so many friends to spend time with.  As we get closer to the end of the semester, the more I sacrifice sleep for friend-time.
I don't want to leave.

So much to say!
Things are in full swing around here.  We had our first two days of filming "We Meet Again" this past weekend and two more to come.  I'm producing it with Kyle, so we have our hands full.  It's going well.
At work we are in the middle of the American Film Market, so we are getting a ton of submissions for the company to look over and see if we want to buy.  So I'm doing a lot of coverage, which I LOVE.  Coverage just means that I watch one of the films or read a script and then write a logline, synopsis, and comments on what I think about that project.  Today I wrote two script coverage reports and two films.  Last week I made a comment about liking horror movies and ever since I have been given horror scripts and movies.  Which is great and I love it--but shoot some of these are terrifying.  Or disturbing.
But coverage is my favorite.
Nathan Johnson came to speak to my class yesterday!  He scored Brick, Looper, and Don Jon among other things.  And his cousin is Rian Johnson, which is the director of Brick and Looper.  He had a really great perspective and was really inspiring and encouraging about being an artist.  So now all I want to do is create things all of the time.
But then there is the other thing...I'm exhausted.  The most tired I have ever been in my entire life.  Right now I barely have the energy to type this out...and it's only 7:30.  I have a ton to do tonight.  But shoot.  No energy.  I think it's probably because we're in the middle of production and I have a thousand things to do every day, but even still, I'm wiped out.
So yes.
LA.
Everything is lovely and I've been going back and forth about staying here next semester to begin my career.  Why go back for a semester where I'll be miserable and losing connections?  I talked to Lucia about it today and she told me to do what I gotta do, but if I'm not going back next semester then I'm gonna have to stay here for Christmas because we can't afford to send me home and back.
99% sure I'm going back to Gordon next semester.
I'm excited to see my friends and to have some chill time.  But at the same time, going back is like taking a step backwards.  I feel like an adult out here because I'm working at a legit company and living in an apartment and producing a film...so how could I go back to being a student?  Feels backwards and I do not like backwards.
But I think that I need to go back to Gordon.
So I think I will.
So many decisions.  Who knows where I will be in seven months.  So scary.
SEVEN MONTHS till I graduate college.
Thank the Lord.
I'm over student-life.  I'm ready to have a job and be independent and ahhhh, I'm so excited.
So that's a chunk of my life as of now.
Also, I'm kind of a coffee drinker now, and I kind of hate myself for that.
It's a means of survival.
Also also EIGHT DAYS TILL HALLOWEEN.  Love Halloween.  I wish my sister and I could be together for it.
Lucia sent me a halloween package, as always.  They're the best.

She also walked around our front yard and down the street in Jersey to collect a bag of colorful autumn leaves.  She sent them to me.  I teared up.  My mom is the best and I really do miss the east coast & all of the things/people that go with it.
But I have some photos to edit and a script to work on, so I must depart.
Happy Wednesday, friends!

The bodies we loved, locked away into the earth.

Hidden from sight, stolen from the fingers that reach for them.

Preserved and condemned all at once.

All we wanted was to keep you.

With blistered hands we dug into the ground

Clawed through the dirt and stone to get to you

We bled and cried to retrieve you

But when we got to you, you were already gone.

The bodies we loved, empty beneath our feet

Shells reminding us of what once was and what will never again be

Preserved and condemned, all at once.

They sleep as we reach.